Who Are You Then?
by ShoresofAcadie
Summary: After the events of "Serenity", Simon is left questioning his roles as a doctor, a lover, and a brother. Now that River has regained her sanity, what will his purpose in life be?


I

Simon Tam stood alone in Serenity's kitchen, absently stirring a pot of stewed protein. Occasionally, he lifted the spoon to his lips, sipped, frowned, and added another pinch of sage left over from the small stash of spices Shepherd Book had left behind him when he departed Serenity for Haven. Simon eyed the small packets ruefully. Book had been a much better cook than he was. Another one of the late Shepherd's mysterious talents.

As a rule, Simon disliked mystery. He was like his sister in that way. Dissecting, probing, searching, rooting out the hidden cause of a problem, solving the puzzle of a bewildering enigma: that was what Simon enjoyed. It was what he had liked best about his life as a doctor on Osiris. He was a master diagnostician; and once he could locate the problem that was ailing his patient, he could fix it. Everything had an answer; you just had to find the key to unlocking it.

The brown mixture was beginning to give off an odor that was almost pleasant. Simon returned the box of spices to the cupboard and let his thoughts wander again. Despite his instinctive dislike of mysteries, he had had to learn to deal with the inexplicable. River's unstable condition, a result of her unknowable torture at the hands of the Alliance, was only the beginning of his frustrations, although for a long time it had been by far the most pressing in his thoughts. Then came Miranda, and River's sudden transformation from a schizophrenic, unpredictable, and vulnerable shadow of a girl into a living weapon who was cool, methodical, self-possessed, and horrifically graceful as she killed.

Simon started a little as the stew bubbled up a little too high, and turned the heat down. River had certainly been different since the battle with the Reavers on Mr. Universe's moon. The changes were as dramatic as the opposition between night and day. She was suddenly self-aware, stable, and shining. He had seen more of the little sister he remembered in the last few weeks than he had in the past year and a half of their existence on Serenity. She sang, she danced, she laughed, and she slept without nightmares. Her smiles made her glow, and there were moments when Simon had to physically restrain himself from weeping with pure joy at the sight of her. It was transcendent.

And yet. And yet. Simon's hand stilled in his stirring as his thoughts suddenly came to a dramatic halt. And yet what? Why should he feel anything but delight in seeing his sister whole, free, and unafraid? It was more than River's condition; for the first time in months, a burden had been lifted. They were no longer being hunted as fugitives. Certainly, they would still want to avoid attracting attention from Alliance Cruisers and unscrupulous bounty hunters, but no fresh warrants would be popping up on the Cortex demanding their arrest any time soon. They were free. River was fine. He was free.

Free? Free from what? River was no jailor. He had given everything up for her willingly. He knew she worried about it sometimes, but the truth was he would do it again in a heartbeat. His money, his practice, his family, his life in the Core, all meant nothing to him without River. Nor was he overly concerned with the constraints of their new life aboard Serenity. Patching up wounds with inadequate supplies, riding out the ceaseless overabundance of unnecessary violence, even struggling through the inevitable tensions with Mal and Jayne, were not beyond the ken of Simon's ability to cope. From where, then, came this uncanny sensation of sudden freedom? And why did it unnerve him so?

Simon's musings were interrupted as Jayne strode into the galley. For once, he almost welcomed the brute's presence. The turn his thoughts had been taking was rather unsettling, and he was glad of the sudden distraction. For a moment, anyway.

"Where the ass-end of hell is our ruttin' dinner? I'm gorram hungry, doc, and I'm told I get a mite unpleasant when my belly's kept waitin."

"It's almost ready. I'll just set the table."

"You do that, then," Jayne growled as he threw himself down into a chair and began cleaning his nails with his hunting knife.

Swallowing an instinctive expression of his distaste, Simon set out the plates and utensils, and then placed the stew at the center of the table. The mixture _did_ smell good after all, and it wasn't long before the rest of Serenity's somewhat diminished crew began to drift into the kitchen, sniffing the air appreciatively.

"Somethin' smells mighty fine," Mal acknowledged as he stepped out of the corridor leading to the bridge. River was only a step or two behind him, probably fresh off a piloting lesson with the Captain (although who was actually teaching whom was likely a matter of opinion, Simon decided with a slight smirk). Kaylee was the next to drift in from the direction of the engine room, and Simon's heart jumped when she smiled at him. Amazing that, even after weeks of being lovers, she could still do that to him, just by walking into a room. He returned her smile shyly but warmly as he held out her chair for her. She gave him a swift peck on the check before settling into her seat, and he had to turn away quickly to prevent an all-too-perceptive Jayne from remarking on his sudden blush.

Last to enter the room was Zoe, striding towards her usual place with her usual flawless sense of purpose. She paused for the merest of seconds in front of Wash's conspicuously empty chair, her stoic face momentarily failing to hide the emptiness in her eyes, before she briskly stepped around it and sat down. Like the rest of the crew, Simon pretended not to see.

Simon placed himself between Kaylee and River, and handed the mechanic the pot of stew to begin serving. Once the stew had been passed around, there was a moment of awkward silence before Mal finally set his spoon into the broth and began to eat. Simon knew, as they all did, that they had been waiting for Book to bow his head and silently say grace for the meal. Book was not there, and no one else offered up prayers in his place. Even Mal seemed to feel the strange lack of the Shepherd's stubborn adherence to his pre-meal ritual, but as usual, the captain was the first to snap out of the collective reverie and bring all minds back to business.

"We'll be touching down on Persephone tomorrow. Got word there might be a job for us."

"Mal!" Jayne exclaimed around a mouthful of food, "what in the hell are we goin' back to _him_ fer? Ain't he nearly got us killed enough?"

"We still ain't rightly sure if it was Badger that set us up for that run-in with Dobson", Kaylee reminded him.

"Still, Sir, Jayne's got a point," Zoe said quietly, not looking up from her plate. "I think we're past the point where we can trust Badger not to shoot us in the back as soon as give us a job."

"That may be true," Mal conceded, "but a job's a job. Though, truth be told, I ain't rightly sure it's Badger we'll be dealing with."

"Sir?" Zoe finally looked up, genuinely puzzled. "Can we afford to take a job from someone on Persephone without going through Badger?"

"We can," Mal said slowly, "if Badger ain't the one running the show anymore."

They all stopped eating and looked at him. Simon finally voiced the thought running through everyone's mind. "Has there been some kind of a takeover?"

Mal studied his chopsticks. "Can't tell for sure. But it's always been Badger who sends the wave personally before. This time it ain't. Could mean he's busy. Could mean there's trouble."

Jayne snorted. "You didn't ask?"

Mal shot him a death glare. "Whatever happened down there, Jayne, we weren't meant to know about it. The fella was real polite about Badger's absence, but he wasn't exactly forthcoming. And he looked a peck smarter than the usual shit for brains bear cubs Badger usually hires, which worries me some. Still, we got a job to do. And I don't care who gets it for us so long as it pays. Badger can take care of his own self."

Another awkward silence descended on the table. Simon took it upon himself to break it. "So…Persephone. Any chance I'll be able to restock the infirmary while we're there?"

Mal glanced at him. "We won't be there long, so I don't want people goin' too far from the ship. We'll just touch down long enough to see about this job and pick up Inara and then we're off again."

"I don't need much. We're just running very low on preclaphterine and immuno-boosters."

Mal gave him a small nod, conceding the point. "We'll see what we can do."

"So, Inara's coming back?" Kaylee piped up. "I thought she was going to go back to her training house now that things have blown over a bit."

"She's staying here for the time being," Mal said, somewhat gruffly. "She's on Persephone now straightening things out with the Guild. Seems the other whores weren't terribly keen on her running off again to play pirate with a bunch of petty thieves who stuck a thorn in the Alliance's heel."

Kaylee giggled at this, and Mal couldn't suppress a small smile of mirth in return. The rest of the meal passed in a somewhat more companionable fashion.

After dinner, while Zoe and Jayne were cleaning away the dishes, Simon saw River slip out of the dining room and head back in the direction of the bridge. Mal had gone down to the cargo bay, so he clearly trusted River to hold the helm by herself. Simon took the opportunity of the Captain's absence to follow his sister as she floated gracefully along the corridor towards the bridge. He watched as River settled down into the pilot's chair, for all the world looking as if she had always belonged there. To Simon, Wash's absence still seemed the most pronounced around the bridge; but River looked so at ease bending over the panels, that Simon couldn't help wondering if somehow Wash's spirit hadn't willingly surrendered the helm to the capable hands of Serenity's new pilot and gone off to haunt someone else. That would certainly explain the frightening expression that still lingered behind Zoe's eyes… Simon snapped his focus back to River. She seemed so intent on the console that Simon wondered for a moment if she even knew he was there. Silly question, of course. She spoke without turning around, or even looking up from the controls.

"You're worried." It wasn't a question.

"No. Yes. I mean…" Simon's voice trailed off.

"You're always worried. If it isn't about one thing, it's another. I'm fine now."

Simon was dumbfounded for a moment. As usual, River always went straight to the heart of things. He'd known her all her life, and she still unnerved him when she spoke his thoughts aloud far better than he could. He regrouped, then tried again. "Do you like flying?"

"Do you like fixing things that are broken?"

"Well, yes, I…" Simon felt there was more to his sister's question than a simple retort to his inquiry, but he chose to let it go. "I like helping people," he said finally. "It's something I'm good at. It make's me feel…useful."

"There's more to it than that, though," was River's reply. "You enjoy it. It defines your life, gives you purpose. You find what you're best at and you realize you could never want to do anything else."

"Is that what flying is like for you, River?"

River smiled then, a radiant smile that made him ache. "Flying through Heaven," she said. "A Heaven made of dust and rock and gases and empty space. Death waits everywhere, but you trick him with the smallest movements of your hands. You save lives; but only you realize that they were in any danger, so only you can know the joy of the escape. You become a conduit of power, navigating between life and death."

"I feel that way, too, sometimes," Simon murmured, looking out through the window at the stars and trying to see them through his sister's eyes.

"I know," said River simply, and she turned so that she was looking straight at him, into him, through him. "But what happens when the ship finally lands, safe and whole? Who are you then?"

Simon did not answer, but his as sister's gaze pierced into him, he realized that he suddenly felt cold.

That night, Simon lay awake in the bunk he now shared with Kaylee. It had once belonged to Zoe and Wash. Simon wouldn't have even thought of asking Zoe to move, but she had been insistent on making the change. "It's meant for two," she had said shortly, and that was that. She had moved her things into Kaylee's room the next day, and not even Mal had objected to the switch. Simon himself had been unwilling to leave the passenger dorms, if only because he didn't want to leave River alone; but then, River hadn't wanted to stay there anyway. She was no longer a passenger; she was the pilot. It was only fitting that she sleep nearer the bridge. So they had converted the small storage room in the nose of Serenity into a bedroom, giving River easy access to the helm. She was still farther away from him than Simon was entirely comfortable with, but she needed him less, now, and so he did not protest.

Besides, there was Kaylee to consider. The petite mechanic now lay pressed against his chest, breathing quietly as she slept. Simon softly kissed her hair and then returned his gaze to the ceiling above them. It was becoming harder and harder to ignore the fact that Kaylee was now a presence in his life that needed to be considered and weighed as much as River. He was well beyond the point where he could just pick up and leave her. He did not know what he would do now if River's well-being required them to depart Serenity suddenly, and he was secretly glad that he would not be asked to make that choice anytime soon. He couldn't imagine life now without Kaylee.

It was such an odd match; he was still stunned that it had happened at all. How had the ship's grubby mechanic, who was covered in engine grease half the time and who could hardly form a sentence without using the word "ain't", worked her way so completely into his heart? On the other hand, how had Kaylee, who was so frequently frustrated by Simon's stiffness and Core-worlds snobbery, been so willing to accept him into hers? And where would this budding romance lead?

This last thought bothered Simon greatly, and he involuntarily tightened his arm around Kaylee's small body, causing her to stir in protest. Certainly, he could never take her home to present to his parents as a future wife. Good God, what would they say? Our Simon, marrying some unschooled prairie trash from the Rim? The thought of their horrified faces made him smile ever so slightly, but the entire prospect was ridiculous anyway. He was not going home. His family had disowned him. River was all he had left now, and staying with her was all that mattered. Of course, he reminded himself, River accepted Kaylee wholeheartedly. As long as they remained on Serenity, everything would remain as it was. But how long would that be?

That, Simon realized suddenly, was the question his mind had been dancing around for hours. There was a part of him that had always secretly viewed Serenity as a temporary arrangement, a haven to hide River while he attempted to heal her of the damage inflicted by the Alliance. But she was healed now, and they were no longer being pursued. Was it really necessary to stay on the ship permanently? They couldn't go back to the Core worlds, of course, but they could certainly make a place for themselves somewhere on one of the border planets. Yes, River was the pilot of Serenity now, but another pilot could be found. Should they stay? Did he _want_ to stay? Would he still be able to stay if Kaylee decided she didn't want him anymore?

Questions, Simon thought miserably, all questions without answers. He was tired of thinking, tired of worrying. He felt cold again, and he reached out instinctively towards the only unfailing source of light and warmth that he knew. He bent his head and kissed Kaylee on the mouth. It was only a moment or two before he felt her kiss him back.


End file.
